Just Stay

Her side:

“Just go,” she directed, standing indignantly, and startled at the strength of her voice. She tried desperately to hide her surprise, needing her body language to match the already convincing performance. The short words made her sad as the lingering sound resonated in the thick air of silence that followed. The reality couldn’t be further from the words she spoke. The reality was that she just wanted to reach out and hold him forever, or longer if he’d let her. But that’s the very thing that caused her fear. She wasn’t in control, and didn’t know if he’d let her. If he’d even want that. And yet, she was too scared to find out. So with two words, she did the one thing she could control.

Dammit! Why did she push away the very thing she wanted to pull close? The frustration beginning to stir like a raging tornado in her body made her angry, causing tears to well up behind her eyes. Why couldn’t she just give in and trust? Why did she always do this?

“Just go,” she repeated, this time weakness creeping into her voice. The second time sounded more like a plea rather than a directive. She knew she needed him to leave quickly as she felt herself beginning to lose the battle over her heavy tears tugging on her lower eyelids like weights. She looked away because she couldn’t let him see her falter. She couldn’t let him know she really didn’t believe in what was falling off of her tongue. She couldn’t because…he might just stay.

His side:

“Just go,” he heard her say, stunned and confused at the abrupt phrase. A knot grew in his throat and moved down to the pit of his stomach as he digested what was just said. He let the words settle in the air of the silence that followed, not knowing how to respond. He didn’t want to go; he wanted to reach out and hold her forever, longer if she’d let him. But it was apparent in her words and in her demeanor that she was serious. In that moment, she looked as if her mind was made up, and unwavering at that.

Dammit! Why was she pushing him away when all he wanted to do was pull her close? The frustration beginning to stir like a raging tornado in his body obscured his ability to think, his ability to even say anything. It was like the wind had been knocked out of his lungs. Why couldn’t she just give in and trust?

“Just go,” he heard again, this time with a hint of uncertainty not apparent the first time she spoke. He searched her eyes for an explanation, and realized they had become glassy with a thin layer of tears. She looked away. In that moment, he knew she was trying to hide it from him, hide the fact that she didn’t mean what she had said. She was trying to be brave, fighting back her tears. He recognized her fear not originally evident. And he decided to just stay.