The Break-Up with Kirk

Dear Kirk Herbstreit (ESPN College Gameday Sportscaster, for those unaware of my famous boyfriend),

This is my ‘dear John’ letter to you. We really need to start seeing other people. I feel like our relationship started falling apart when you were in town for the Alabama vs. LSU game. I mean, you acted like you didn’t even KNOW who I was when I was there! You’ve been on the road for months now, I haven’t seen you in forever, and you didn’t even invite me back to the bus for a little action? At first, I was like, “well, he’s working. I’ll give him some space and respect that he’s on the job.” But then I got mad that you ignored me completely. The only way you redeemed yourself was by picking Alabama to win the game that day, even though I was suspicious that you might be cheating on me because you had on a purple shirt* (an LSU color). And, this leads me straight to the final straw that is causing our break up. YOU picked Auburn to win the Alabama vs. Auburn game a few weekends ago! Auburn!?? Our BIGGEST rival?? Baby, c’mon! So maybe your pick turned out to be correct, but I thought we were a team. I thought that it was clear that if you’re going to date me, you need to like Alabama football. And you completely turned against me for that game. I was crushed.

So, I can’t go on. I can’t see you anymore. Please don’t cry. I know you’ll never get over me (I mean, does anyone ever, really?), but you just have to suck it up and try. Maybe you’ll find someone that’ll be a distant 2nd from me that you can try to be happy with. But I want to make it clear, that we are not and will never be together again. No matter how hard or how long you beg. My answer will always be no. You’ve committed the unforgivable. No matter how many dozens of flowers or how many carats of diamonds you buy. The fact of the matter is I’d rather date a jerk than date you.

Have fun snuggling with Lee Corso,
Kara


*Kirk, ignoring me, in his purple shirt at the Bama v. LSU game. Pfft! Good riddance!