I'm Back!

I'm working on my story from this past weekend in Louisiana, so all 5 of my faithful readers, tune in tomorrow night when I post it after I finish. I'll give you 5 words I'll use in my posting about my trip though, just to keep you curious: Cactus, Duck Stuffing, Casino, Squirrel Meat, and Chunky. It's good to be back, too bad I have to work tomorrow...

Don’t Blink or You Might Miss It!

Jena?

While others are out enjoying a relaxing vacation for the long weekend (for instance my coworker and her now recent fiancé are heading to St. Thomas for the weekend to “celebrate” their engagement, and after seeing her ring she’s got a lot of celebrating to do to him!), or a nice cookout, some beer, and perhaps lounging at the pool, let me explain to you the fun I’ll be having this weekend (please note the slight undertone of sarcasm):

This Memorial Day I will be traveling with my family to go see even more family in Louisiana. An eight hour trip with my mom, dad, sister, and possibly grandmother to Jena, Louisiana. Can you find it on the map of the state that I’ve posted? Didn’t think so. In Jena, somehow we scored reservations at one of their lavish “resorts” (as you can imagine that a town this small would have a plethora of lavish resorts, right?). I don’t mean to brag or anything, but this place is top notch. I stayed here a few years ago. When you check in, along with your metal key with big plastic orange key chain, the old man at the reservation desk hands you 4 styrofoam cups, a coffee straw, and some sugar and creamer packets. This place is so fancy that they have coffee pots right in the rooms. Yep, right in the room. Can you imagine? But the amenities just don’t stop there my friends. It’s got a pool with a deep-end up to 4’. 4 whole feet! Why, you can just about dive into that kind of water! AND it’s not one of those above ground pools, either. Jealous yet? Thought you might be, but just save it until you hear my itinerary for the weekend.

My mother informed me last night that along with a fish fry with my dad’s side of the family that lives in Jena, that we will be touring old cemeteries while we’re there to try to track down ancestors on my dad’s side. It seems that he’s working on the family tree and has a lot of missing information. Now doesn’t trapsing through old cemeteries searching for your last name on a grave marker sound like a hoot? I told you you’d get jealous.

So let me break it down for you: 16 hours roundtrip in the car with your family to a tiny town in the middle of the state that doesn’t even show up on the map to stay in one of the 2 motels that they have in order to go to a fish fry and scour old cemeteries for long lost relatives. Who wouldn’t want to be me this weekend? I’d take this trip over St. Thomas ANY day, I mean, wouldn’t you?

Seriously, I’ll probably have a decent time because I am a family person and am actually one of the few people left in America that loves to be with my family. However, I won’t have access to the internet so you won’t be hearing from this kickin’ chicken this weekend. Now, now, wipe those tears – I’ll be sure to post a great story for you upon my return! I hope y’all have a nice and safe Memorial Day weekend and I look forward to reading all about what everyone else did when I get back.

The Super Bowl of Spring

Tonight was the super bowl of Spring TV for me. Fox and ABC had me flipping back and forth between the final show of American Idol and the season finale of LOST. My loyalty ultimately ended up with watching LOST, because the American Idol people tend to drag that show on and on an on. But Carrie winning was a shock to me because I was sure Bo had it in the bag. I'm sure he'll pick up a record deal though. I really didn't have a favorite between the two. I liked them both, so I was pretty much ok with whoever won.

LOST, on the other hand, was AMAZING! I'm so hooked. The dynamite scene that opened the show made me jump about 2 feet off the couch! I can't wait for the new season and we find out what happens to the people that were on the boat and where the little boy goes. Surely they won't kill Sawyer off. I need to find out more about his story and this man he wants to kill. Plus, he's one of the only 2 eye candies on the show. Although he's blonde, which typically isn't my type, he's still very sexy in a tough guy kind of way. He's the "bad cop" between he and "good cop" Jack.

And for dessert, as if it could get any better, I saw a trailer for a Dukes of Hazard movie coming out in August! How fun! I used to love that show when I was a kid! General Lee and all!! And Johnny Knoxville is playing Beau and Burt Reynolds is playing Rosco! I kind of gagged when they showed Jessica Simpson playing Daisy, one because I can't stand Jessica Simpson and two because Daisy was a brunette, but I'll suffer through that. I know you're probably thinking I'm a big cheese ball, but I was really excited to hear about it!

Snippets from Kara's World

I do my best thinking for some reason while drying my hair in the mornings. Not being a morning person, maybe the warm air activates the coffee circulating in my body and finally wakes up my brain.

The Antiques Roadshow on PBS is just as hypnotic as the Weather Channel and TV Guide Channel. Great amounts of time pass before you realize you’re still watching it, but not really watching it.

I just love my new name that JOAT's has given me. It's so fun and original - KaraMel! Thanks!

I wake up and have to kill a granddaddy long-leg-type spider every morning before I get in my shower. You’d think after their friends fail to return from their visit to the “pool,” that the others would realize the shower may not be quite the water retreat that they had in mind. Or maybe these are the really old or really sick spiders and I’m the spider equivalent to Jack Khevorkian? How horrible!

In a teaser before a commercial break, Fox 5 News Chief Meteorologist, Ken Cook, says, “A cold front is on the way. What will the dryer weather mean for you?” You better not be teasing me, Ken. Dry weather means good hair days, and that makes me happy.

My dog’s become quite the con-artist. He incessantly, and seemingly desperately, begs and pleads for me to take him outside, so you would think once we get outside, he’d get right down to business. But oh no. We have to chase bugs, eat grass, and sniff every rock. I feel like I’m on a 10 minute nature walk with an elementary school science class. Listen, Darby (that's his name), when I go to use the restroom, I don't sniff the soap, examine the toothpaste, or play with my curling iron - I use the restroom! Let's go!

I think I need to “Save a horse…”

Observation

Guys that wear flip flops are hot. Guys in khakis and flip flops are even hotter.

Lawn Position is Filled

Ok, so I heard back from the lawn guy I called last week and he’s coming to mow my lawn on Wednesday for me. Thank goodness! The grass is almost as tall as I am and I was about to hire a topographer to sketch out a map from my driveway to the front door so I could find it. I have a lawn mower in the backyard, I just don’t know how to turn it on. I’ve never mowed a lawn in my life, but I was getting desperate enough to think about attempting it myself. So I’m excited to have found someone else to do it for me for at a really decent price. If you had previously applied or were thinking of applying to be the lucky one to mow the lawn, please don’t be disappointed that I’ve filled the position. Not to worry. I still have openings and am still accepting applications for several amazing positions. For the adventurous types, the Spider/Weird-Looking Bug Killer and Sunday Night Trash Taker-Outer positions are still available (which is odd because I was sure they’d be two of the first to get filled – they are just so exciting). Brand new postings include the part-time position of Helpful 32” TV Purchase Advisor, along with full-time positions of Car Washer, DVD Player Worker, and Boyfriend. The last position listed is more of an executive position and will require a bit more information, along with a preliminary interview with my dog (hey, if the dog doesn’t like you, chances are I won’t either). I think the titles are pretty self-explanatory, but if you would like a job description I’ll be happy to forward one on. Please send in your applications to my personal assistants, Com Ment and/or E. Mail, along with a cover letter stating why you would be the best candidate for the job and any relevant experience. Due to the sheer volume of applicants (HA!), I may not be able to personally respond to your application should it not meet the necessary requirements, you have an extra body part of any kind (including but not limited to toes, nipples, etc), you are missing a body part that may show up in someone's food, or you wear wife-beaters.

One Boot Was Made For Walking, Apparently

Can someone please help me understand the phenomenon of the mysterious one shoe on the side of the highway, please? Has anyone else ever wondered how or why this happens? I mean, how does one shoe end up on the side of the road? What happens to the other shoe? For instance, on my way back home tonight, I passed 3 different shoes on the side of the road. One was a black clog-looking shoe, one was a white high-top tennis shoe, and one was some sort of brown loafer. WTF? I mean, if they were kids’ shoes, I could imagine a 2- 3-year-old kid tossing one out of the window just because. Or a 4 –5 year old kid tossing a sibling’s shoe out the window after a backseat fight ending with mom shouting for each of them to “ be quiet and look out of their own windows.” While complying with mom’s demands, the sibling is still retaliating against the other by tossing a shoe out of their window. I can see that. I have a younger sister and when we were growing up, we had our fair share of backseat brawls that ended in us each having to “look out of our own windows” in mom’s car. But these appear to be adult shoes, and I really can’t imagine any possibility of how one shoe gets ditched to reside on the side of the road. However, I feel like whoever loses their one shoe to the D.O.T. should win some sort of “Idiot” prize. After giving this a great deal of thought (like 5 whole seconds), I’ve come up with the perfect thing. The prize these people should be awarded is the one sock you pull out of the dryer that lost it’s mate somewhere along the laundry process. These people only have one shoe now so they only need one sock. Man, I shock myself with my problem-solving ability sometimes. I should probably try out for the U.N. or Peace Corp or something.

If You Like Pina Coladas

Destin, FL

I'm so ready to get to the beach. The sand, the sun, the smell of sunscreen, the light wind off the water, the sound of the seagulls and the crashing waves, fresh seafood for dinner, and the hardest decision to make is what bathing suit to wear... I'm getting desperate here. I've got a wedding to go to the first weekend of June that's in Myrtle Beach, SC, but that's not the same. I want at least a week-long stay at a beach on the Gulf. If I don't get there soon, I think I might wither up and die. Anyone else as starved for fun in the sun as I am?

At Last

I've finally remembered to research this damn sticker to figure out what it stands for. I see it everywhere and for years I've wondered what it was. Mystery solved. Back to the bat cave, Robin.

Admit One Coconut

I’m really looking forward to this weekend for two reasons. Number one is that I’ve had one of the worst days at work today. Had I stayed to respond to a jackass coworker’s email this evening instead of immediately leaving for the night absolutely fuming after I got it, I probably would have been fired for ripping him to shreds. However, I did decide to leave for the night, concoct a more appropriate business-like response, and save my job. Hey, I have a mortgage to pay, and a dog to support.

Reason number two is the 3-day reggae party that my friend’s boyfriend apparently throws every year. She said that this year will make the 12th year. Check out the fun:

For those who have never been, this is our annual weekend-long Spring party which promotes reggae music, sunny weather, drinking and fun times with all of our good friends! Tent Village is in full effect....come for a night or the whole weekend!! Scheduled events are as follows:

Fri. night (5/20) - Spinning Reggae music and Jah Pong (Beer Pong) Tournament - til the wee hours. Bonfire! Menu: Jamaica Smiles - Red-Gold-Green Jell-O Shots - Rasta FUEL -Mucho BEER

Sat. day (5/21) - Cookout 3PM-6PM, Sat nite (5/21) - Live Reggae band/s @ 9ish! Afterwards, Reggae spinning late night again! Menu: identical

Sun. day (5/22) Horseshoe Tourney begins promptly @ 1 or 2, and we have to finish all the drinks! Reggae still spinning...

Parking for the festival is 100% on Long Acres Dr, which is just one house down from ours. Mapquest will find us with ease. As always, bring friends, and admission is one coconut...call if?s

Sounds like good times, doesn't it? I’ve got a few other things on my plate this weekend so unfortunately I won’t be sleeping in “tent city.” I'll most likely go tomorrow night or Saturday day before the other going away party I've got to go to. She said I could extend the invite to my friends, so if anyone’s interested, let me know! Ha! She did say that people come from 6 states every year, so maybe you could carpool with someone already coming…Hope to see you there!!

Party’s Over When Somebody Vomits

I tried to post this over the weekend, but when I went to post, it wouldn't post and it didn’t save it. For some reason, I lost it, and then was too lazy to rewrite. So I’m just now trying to re-create what I initially wrote.

One of my coworkers is moving to Arizona, so we all went out for a last hurrah with her this past Friday night. She is a bit on the wild and crazy side, and brings a little of it out in everyone when we hang out. When she and I have hung out, we’ve ended up with a bachelor party of strange guys while in Hilton Head, swimming in a hotel pool to which we were not staying, and busted in on a house party that we were not invited to, nor did we know anyone at the party but pretended we did. I know, sounds a bit like college girls and less like career girls, but I’m telling it like it is. And it’s been fun.

So, about 20 coworkers all head over to a local sports bar after work on Friday and have drinks on the patio. The weather was beautiful and we were all buying her a drink and toasting to her move. After about 2 hours of enjoying the evening, it’s decided that we should all go down the street to the karaoke bar. I had never been to this particular place, and being one of the first ones there, here’s my initial observation: A) The place was small. Very small. It may have been just larger than a port-o-potty with neon beer signs by just a few feet. There was already a large party there, and with us on the way, the place would be packed. B) There was an Elvis. I guess there’s probably one in every karaoke joint. Elvis had a HUGE beer gut and wore a bright orange University of Tennessee shirt along with his gold-rimmed glasses. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised because I don’t think the combination of an Elvis impersonator, beer gut, and a UT t-shirt is uncommon. Those 3 things probably go together like Blue, Suede, and Shoes. C) There was the lingering drunk guy there by himself. The kind with longer, stringy hair and a t-shirt promoting some strip club. Classy place, I’m fully aware. When the rest of my coworkers arrived, he immediately tried to latch onto our group. Um, no. Go stumble back to your bar stool you creepy toad. Anyway, we had a good turnout show up from the previous place, about 13, which is good considering the fall-off rate in losing people is usually high when there’s a change in location. Especially for a coworker kind of thing. Anyway, the beer buckets were ordered and the karaoke began. People got up to sing that I NEVER thought would ever be a karaoke star. We were serenaded with The Humpty Dance, I Will Survive, Copa Cabana, and The Gambler. It was crazy! Halfway through the night, I look to see that I’ve got my ex-boss and a coworker grinding to the music on my left and Elvis and the toad trying to pick up another 2 coworkers on my right. And of course, more drinks for the one that’s leaving. Everyone’s having a great time until…vomit. The going away girl throws up right there in the middle of the bar. People scattered like drunk people when the lights come up at last call and they realize they’d been dancing with an ugly all night. And thus, the party was over. A few of us went back to a friend’s apartment and hung out for a little while but the buzz was pretty much killed. I got home around 3am and ate Advil like candy all day on Saturday. For some reason, I had a mega-headache that wouldn’t go away.

Forget Greek, It's All Chinese to Me

The company I work for strives to be "inclusive." In other words, they're tired of lawsuits, and they've fallen into the ridiculous "P.C." B.S. that the ACLU freaks have established in our country (yes, that's right, I said "freaks" and if you're offended, get over it. Here's a kleenex). Anyway, every month we have some sort of multi-cultural shindig for a week in celebration of some culture or another. And I'll admit, it's usually pretty interesting - Latin dance classes held in the cafeteria, an Irish dance team performance (think River Dance sans the "Lord"), or an Asian fashion show. So this past week was the Asian heritage celebration. Friday they had all kinds of Asian foods to sample (ever tried Ube ice cream? It's a purple yam that they make ice cream out of and it's not bad), the aforementioned fashion show, bonsaii trees to be raffled off, and a cute old Chinese gentleman that would write your name in Chinese. Mine's posted above. Or so I assume. How am I to know that this is actually my name? What if he's written something horrible and now I've framed it and hung it proudly in my office for all to see? So, I decided to put out a plea in the blog community. For all of you (and I'd hope you know who you are) that read Chinese, please let me know if the above indeed says "Kara." If that's not what it says, then please tell me what it says instead so I'll know if I really want to put it on display or not. I also have two more questions if you please:
1) Does anyone know if computer keyboards in China have Chinese characters on the keys? How about the keyboards in Greece, or in Iraq? I don't want to be arrogant enough to assume that all computer keyboards have western letters. I just don't know and I'm curious.
2) Does anyone want to head to China for a few weeks to set up a booth there writing Chinese people's names in English on paper to frame in their offices/living rooms? Could be a good money-maker...it worked over here...

Warning

Please bear with me during the next 4 months. I might come across as a bit snappy at times. That's because I just received my 10-year high school reunion information in the mail today (set for October 1st). I have also just officially given up food until then. Thanks in advance for your patience.

How Appropriate

So this postcard from a good friend of mine showed up in my mailbox today. Too funny!! In light of the recent couple of guys I've posted about, this is pretty appropriate.




Thanks, Sabs!

Let 'Em Down Easy, But Give Feedback

For single women out there everywhere - this will come in handy.

Dear ___________________:

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition (check all that apply).
1.___Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
2.___Your first name is objectionable. It’s just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
3.___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
4.___Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
5.___You failed the 20 Question Rule. (ie. I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself)
6.___Your constant emailing, shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
7.___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If I you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants.
8.___You’re too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
9.___You have a hairy back.
10.___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
11.___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovinliness that I fear is unbreakable.
12.___The phrase “my mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.
13.___You still live with your parents.
14.___I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
15.___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
16.___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
17.___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
18.___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
19.___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

Please DO NOT Reply to All

Some dumbass accidentally sent an email out to one of her coworkers today and somehow (I'm not sure how) she CCed the ENTIRE company on the email. Luckily it was work related, but this email went out to 500, 000 people that work for our company across the nation! But, she's not the biggest dumbass of them all, the bigger ones were the ones that responded and hit REPLY TO ALL, so everyone in the company got their response, too. I spent about an hour deleting all of these responses and more - over 150 by the end of the day! It jammed up the entire email system. These are just a few of the *real* reponses that people sent back (and the comments I'd love to send back to them but didn't because I was too busy trying to DELETE all of the responses instead):

This is an unauthorized use of the internet.
(Ok, genius, this isn't the internet, it's email. And who gave you a badge and told you what's authorized and unauthorized use of the internet anyway? Oh yea, Poncho called and needs the badge back)

I think my Mother even got this email!
(I bet she did. And guess what you idiot, she got your response, too, because you hit REPLY TO ALL!)

Hi, I am getting e-mails that don't belong to me, I am in San Diego
(Who knew San Diego could get email? This person sounds as shocked as I was. I thought Atlanta was the only city with email capability.)

I believe I am on the email chain in error.
(Oooooh, that's so weird. You TOO?? I thought just the other 498,000 people were on the email chain in error.)

THIS HAS REACHED THE HR DEPARTMENT - PLEASE REMOVE FROM E-MAIL LIST!!!!!
(Oh, no, not the HR department!? My, this has really gotten out of hand! They're actually having to do some work in deleting these emails, which is more work then they've had in a long time)

Please remove me from this list.
(Listen, as painful as this experience has been, at least you're on the company wide email list. If you weren't on the list, then you would not be receiving a paycheck from this company. Perhaps you should contact HR to be removed from the list. Apparently they received this email, too - see above).

Me as well! This could very well have a virus attached seeing the “ZWYZZZ” bogus mailing list.I highly recommend everyone permanently deleting these asap!
(Aww, do I hafta? I was thinking about saving the emails to occasionally bring back up and reminesce on the good times)

STOP REPLYING TO ALL!!! MY REGIONAL VP IS RECEIVING ALL OF YOUR EMAILS ON HER BLACKBERRY. PLEASE STOP!!
(Well bless her heart. What a good little administrative assistant you are to stick up for her like that. I bet you got a nice box of candy on the Admin Holiday, didn't you?)

Please do not respond to all...I have already got 12 messages..thanks
(Just 12? Oh, my friend, you're just getting started. Just wait! You know how only 10% of an iceberg's above water?)

I know that our CEO was thinking his company is filled with a bunch of morons assuming he's on the company-wide email list. And I'd probably have to go with him on that thought.

1,897,015,265 Seconds Left to Live

So I've jumped on the blog bandwagon and found my Personal Day of Death. Apparently I'll be passing on Wednesday, June 24, 2065 at the age of 88. That's good. At least by passing on a Wednesday, the funeral can be planned for a Saturday. That way, more people will be able to come. I've always liked a good turn out.

I can't believe I've ticked away 137 seconds of what I have left to live writing this.

Pop Quiz #1

I figure every so often, I’ll give all of you a few questions to answer about me. I dunno, just something to do. I know some of you are strangers that read this, but I think that’ll make this the most fun! You’ll have to guess at your answers. Use your imagination. I’m looking forward to what I get back.

Take a stab at my middle name.

What is one word to describe your first impression of me upon reading my blog?

If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what one thing would I bring?

The Bachelorette Pad

Outside of the typical condiments that you’d find in a fridge in Anywhere, USA, here’s an inventory of the contents of my fridge:

2 Yoplait yogurts (usually taken to work to eat for breakfast)*
1 opened, 1 unopened jar of pickles
3 applesauces (unsweetened and not good. They’ve become more of part of the interior fridge décor instead of something I’d actually consider eating)
½ block of cheddar cheese*
1 bag of unopened carrots (impulse purchase while I was having a healthy shopping day at the grocery store. To bad that health kick didn’t follow me home to where I’d actually open and eat them)
½ cup left of 1% milk that expires today
1 bag of wilted lettuce (to be thrown out next garbage day- I got home from the store and the salad dressing I had was expired so I just let the lettuce expire too)
3 eggs
1 container of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter (and I can’t)
3 bottled waters
1 carton of coffee creamer*
3 Bud Lights*
1 bottle of Yellow Tail Chardonney*
*denotes the MVPs of the fridge – Most Valuable Products

Now I know what you’re thinking when you read this. I’m sure it’s along the lines of – “well this girl’s a real Julia Childes – Emeril, look out!” I know, I know, it sounds like I’m a culinary genius, what with all of the amazing ingredients I have to whip up something spectacular. But you’ll be disappointed to learn that I just don’t really cook that much. Not that I don’t like to, but it’s just me here to eat it, and I don’t want to go to the trouble. It’s always too much food and it either goes to waste, or I end up having the same thing for dinner 4 or 5 nights that week to get rid of it. So I stock the freezer with Lean Cuisines, frozen burritos, and Lean Pockets instead, but I’m seriously getting tired of that repitoire. Anyone want to come over for dinner? I’ll go to the store and actually cook. Then maybe my fridge won’t look so pitiful.

Goodbye J.

Dear J.,
I’m writing you my official goodbye, and my official closing of your chapter in my life. It’s time I completely moved on - it’s been a long time coming, and a year in the making. I’ve personally come a long way since you left me as an openly raw broken shell of myself on the bathroom floor, unable to collect my tears, my thoughts, or the pieces of my broken heart. You will never, ever know the void, the emptiness, the hole that was left after you shared your decision. And I was, and still am too stubborn to ever let you know just what kind of effect you had. Always being such an independent women, I’ve never had anyone strip me of my spirit like you did, but then again, I had never been as vulnerable to anyone else as I was to you.

I have grown immensely over the year and the initial indescribable pain has thankfully subsided considerably. It’s getting better all the time. That’s a huge blessing because I was unsure at times if it’d ever stop. God knows how much I prayed for it to go away. Those first few months I’d jump for my phone thinking that it’d be you. The more times that it wasn’t, the more I realized it would never be. You haunted me in my dreams for the better part of this past year, but as the pain began to diminish, so did your appearances. It’s been a very long road, and I definitely would never go back to do it all again, I don’t think I could bare it, but I also wouldn’t want to have not experienced it at all. What a whirlwind.

In the 18 months of our relationship, I know our love was not a superficial love. I don’t think I’ll ever understand exactly how or what changed or even why, but I do have comfort and faith that while you weren’t chosen for me, you were part of the master plan for my life. And I take solace in the fact that there are more amazing things awaiting me. I can’t even imagine, and my anticipation is abundant! I realize that this experience has better prepared me for what’s to come. I’m stronger and better for it. I’ve been very careful to not let this create any hardening around my heart because I’d hate to think that you got the best of my love instead of the true person meant for me.

With the knowledge of your impending marriage this summer, I think J.M. says it best in saying that “I wish you strength when times are hard. I wish with all my heart you’ve found just what you’re looking for. I wish you joy. I wish you peace. And that every star you see is within your reach.”

With forgiveness,
Kara

PS. The new Brooks and Dunn song hits the nail on the head: It's Getting Better All the Time

I don't stop breathing every time the phone rings. My heart don't race when someones at my door. I've almost given up thinkin' your ever gonna call. I don't believe in magic anymore. I just don't lie awake at night - Asking God would get you off my mind. It's getting better all the time. It's getting better all the time. Yeah, I think I'm gonna make it - 'Cause God won't make a mountain I can't climb. It's getting better all the time. It's getting better all the time.

Attention, Please.

So, in response to someone that’s left a comment on a posting a few days ago who’s interested in what women are looking for, I’ll make my attempt at this subject. Obviously I can’t speak for all women, but I think I do have some pretty good insight. I don’t think that women are really all that difficult. Guys, what it really all boils down to is attention. Now, I’m by no means any sort of Dr. Love personality, but let me break it down for you from my own tiny little perspective from my life and observations. I’m telling you, a little bit of effort goes a very long way.

Listen attentively to what she has to say. Pay attention when she’s talking because she’s telling you what you need to know to make her happy if you’re listening for it. Now I know you guys are going to say, ‘well why doesn’t she just come out with it’, and what I’m telling you is that she does, you just have to know what to listen for. Hear her say that she’s stressed out and could use a break, and then do something about it. If you can swing it, take her away for the weekend. If not, bring home Italian takeout one night and surprise her with a picnic dinner on a blanket on the living room floor but pretend you’re in some garden in Rome instead. She’ll be thrilled that you heard her and acted on it.

Pay her attention in public. This could be as simple as opening the door for her, grabbing her hand to hold, or making eye contact from across the room. It could also be as much as grabbing her for a slow dance in the middle of the faucet aisle at The Home Depot, or stealing a kiss from her while standing in line for the movie tickets. You know how much public affection she’s comfortable with, so you can make your judgments accordingly. The point is, let her know that you even notice that she’s with you. Girls want to feel like the men that we’re with are proud and excited to be with us. Sometimes you just get so comfortable being together, that this gets overlooked.

Pay her attention in private. Every once in a while, turn the TV/computer/video game/cell phone off and ask her how her day was, or spend time with her in the kitchen cooking dinner, or help her fold the laundry without her asking for your help. Playfully grab her butt on her way past you in on the couch. Kiss her neck while she’s on the phone. Fix her a drink when you go to get one for yourself.

I’m telling you right now, that even some of the smallest attempts at taking an interest in how she’s doing, who she is, and what she’s doing, can earn you some major rewards. And in most cases, it really doesn’t take that much time or effort. Some of the most romantic things that have ever happened in my life weren’t flower petals on the bed or candlelit dinners (although both are very romantic, yet stereotypical). They were smaller things that showed me some attention, like turning up a song on the radio that reminded him of me, or calling my home answering machine from his cell phone at a party to leave me a message to get when I returned home saying how beautiful I looked that night. You get the idea. Believe me, you’ll be happier for it and pleasantly surprised at what little effort it takes.

Let me know how it goes. I’d be interested to hear. Of course, I don’t want to hear ALL of the details about how well you were rewarded, but you know what I mean.

Southern by the Grace of God

So I'd say it's pretty official. Being born and raised in the South, it's not a surprise that Southern charm flows freely from my mouth.

Your Linguistic Profile:

55% General American English

45% Dixie

0% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

0% Yankee

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Yes, Grandmother, We Do

Let me start by saying that I'm really, really close to my family. I always have been, and they are an important group of people to me. All immediate family members live in the metro Atlanta area (including grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc) with the exception of my younger sister who went to school in Birmingham, AL and decided to stay there after college graduation and a cousin that is currently stationed in New Jersey with the Coast Guard. So, anyway, holidays are usually filled with making the 'rounds' to see everyone. Mother's Day being no exception. And today was the day to celebrate with the grandmothers. My dad's mom is of particular interest to me tonight for two reasons:

Number one is that my dad and aunt gave her a VCR/DVD combo player for Mother's Day. Now mind you, she's 80 years old and can barely work her telephone and answering machine. So, you can just imagine how much fun it was to try to teach her how to work the VCR/DVD player tonight. We literally went through and wrote down the steps to use it one by one starting with 'turn TV on. pick up remote and push the power button...' Watching this as an innocent granddaughter-bystander was like watching paint dry. It was slow and painful. I'll spare my readers of the insanely boring details, but suffice it to say that I doubt one movie will EVER be viewed using her "new fangled computer." But she'll be able to brag to all of her Bridge players that her son and daughter bought her a "movie machine."

The second reason is that she said something at the restaurant tonight that struck a chord with me. My uncle asked her how she was doing during dinner (as in, 'how is it? do you need anything?') and she replied, "Good. All I need is more time." Now, she meant that jokingly as if she wanted more time to eat because everything was so good. However when she said it, my first thought was, 'yes, grandmother, we do.' With her reaching the 80 year mark this past March, it occurs to me regularly that my time left with her is fleeting. She has been such an integral part of our "brady bunch-like yet slightly dysfunctional" family (hey isn't every family slightly dysfunctional?) that I can't even fathom what it would be like without her. She is a very strong Southern lady, and with that comes very decisive opinions that she's not afraid to share at any point and time, sometimes to the embarrassment of the family. But, she's a very respectable woman that has taught her children and grandchildren manners to be proud of, instilled a good work ethic to hang their hat on, and has shown us all an insurmountable amount of love. So, yes, grandmother, you're right, all I need is more time, because I'm not finished learning from you. I'm not finished being loved by you. And I'm not finished trying to express to you just how much you mean to me and our family. I don't know that I'll ever be able to do that, so if you could just stick around forever while I try, I promise I won't mind.

Hooray for Mexican Independence.

A reflection on my learnings:

• I'm either too old, or I hadn't had enough beer to put up with the preppy, drunken mosh pit of people tonight. The rain created an absolute claustrophobic nightmare inside as no one wanted to hang out on the wet patio. After so many times of getting my toes stepped on and jabbed in the side with an out of control handbag, I wanted to beat someone with their Abercrombie flip flop or fake Prada purse.
• The usual "fun and light-hearted Kara" quickly turns into "bitchy Kara" when it takes a half an hour to fight my way through a crowd. Heaven help the man that grabs my ass on the way by. "I'm sorry, I got pushed" may have been a valid excuse if you hadn't totally cupped, then slightly squeezed my left cheek!
• I've always known that I was attracted to brown-headed vs. blonde, but I realized tonight that I also have an attraction for bald men. Not balding men, but bald men. Guys that either shave their head just because or shave their head to avoid the eventual "going bald" look. Please, men, if you're going bald, don't try the comb over, the comb forward, or the math-teacher-bald-on-top-bushy-on-the-sides look. Just shave it all off. I think it's totally hot.
• Why no fireworks for the celebration? Not to brag, but I mean, we have fireworks for 4th of July...
  
  I think my Cinco's officially been de Mayoed.
  
  
  

Suite!!

Tonight I remembered the perks of working for a large company. Being “courted” by other companies with box seats. We got tickets for the TBS box suite at the Braves game tonight and let me tell you how much fun that was. Well let’s just say that it beat the heck out of ice cream and American Idol, which was on my original agenda tonight. There’s nothing like free food, free beer, and the best part? A personal bathroom at a public event. Oh yeah. No lines. No disgusting stalls. Plenty of paper towels and toilet paper. Soap in the dispenser. It’s a girls’ dream when at a stadium event (as opposed to a port-o-potty, which is obviously a girls’ nightmare)! Of course, we had to socialize a little with the sales reps for TBS, afterall, it was their suite, and they were paying for it. But luckily they didn’t stay the whole time. I hate my attempt at small talk. I’m just not very good at it. I’m either interested in what you have to say, or I’m not. It’s not something I can fake very well. So I asked my usual routine of questions, nodded politely like I was totally interested, and then found my way out to watch the game. And what a great night for a ballgame! Crisp cool air on a clear night. An ice cold beer in hand. Men in baseball uniforms. You really couldn’t do too much better on a random Tuesday night. I gotta say, just when I’m about ready to leave it all behind, I’m reminded of the benefits of the corporate world, and it draws me back in every time.

And I know you frommm....???

So I get a random call on Thursday night and here is a cliff notes version of how it goes:

Me: Hello?
Caller: Hey, Kara, it's David.
Me: Hello. David. (said cautiously while racking my brain for every David I know that might be calling me and can't think of one that would a) have my number or b) have a reason to call)
Caller (aka David from this point forward): I met you like 4 months ago, do you remember me?
Me: Oh? Maybe? (Hell no, you expect me to remember you from 4 months ago??)
David: Well, I just remember you and how much I really want to get to know you. I mean you were smokin' that night when we met. But your friend was really blocking you. She really didn't want me talking to you.
Me: You've just decided you wanted to get to know me after 4 months? (said with sarcasm AND a giggle - I mean c'mon!)
David: Well, no, I called you a few times after we met, but you never returned my call. But I want to get to know you.
Me: Ooookkaayyy. (Duh, if I didn't return the call, probably means I wasn't interested and you should not, I repeat, should not have kept my number to try back 4 months later thinking I might have forgotten why I didn't want to talk to you in the first place, which I did, but still doesn't change my mind about it)
David: Cuz I mean, when I saw you, I saw fireworks...

And it went on from there for just a few more minutes. In which case I found out that he regulates the timed traffic signals in a nearby city, needs new friends because his old ones are either (and in his words, I kid you not) "dead or on drugs," and of course, the most pressing question he had for me that evening was "what's your favorite kind of music?" Outside of us disagreeing on what our favorite colors are, I think we really connected, don't you?

Don't worry. There was no guilt here about saying no to a date with this one. Geez, when am I going to stop giving out my REAL cell number when I've been drinking? Geez, when am I going to meet someone normal?

For Those of You With Children

I’m about to make a plea to all of you with children from all of us without. Please don’t invite us to your kid’s birthday party. When we receive these invitations, there’s a sense of guilt that we have to go. I mean, it’s a little kid’s birthday for goodness sake. But as much fun as you think it is, it really isn’t. I know it’s fun for you to see your kid jumping around in the larger than life Thomas the Train jumpy thing in the backyard with 15 other kids, and that mingling with the other parents in the neighborhood is a great way to set up carpools and “mommy’s mornings out” but for those of us that get invited and don’t have a kid to bring, it’s practically torture. There’s nothing for us to do. We have no vested interest or enjoyment in watching the kids play because none of them are ours. Speaking from experience, it’s just not a good time. You can always tell which ones of us are the ones that came without the kid because somehow we get stuck wiping noses and breaking up a sandbox fight because the real parents are off comparing Tball schedules, thankful for a little adult conversation away from the kids. We’re not in conversations with the other adults because if we try to engage a fellow parent in a conversation, it usually stales just after the question, “so which one of these kids are yours?” To which the reply is, “none of them, I’m the relative/parent’s friend/etc. of the birthday boy. I don’t have any kids just yet.” It’s like if you don’t have a kid, the parents have forgotten how to discuss anything else other than children or their activities, and that leaves a lot of dead air time and uncomfortable smiling. So please, those of you with children, leave the children’s birthday parties to the other adoring parents with kids. I don't mean to sound cynical, because I'm sure one day I'll totally enjoy it, but in the meantime, cut the rest of us loose. If your kid needs a gift from me, I’ll be happy to mail it and forego the Hi-C juice box and “treat bag” handed out when I leave. Somehow I don’t think my boss would appreciate a Spiderman sticker stuck on a presentation that I think I did a good job on. However, I will admit that the individual packet of Oreos were tasty.

PS. To Alexandria’s mother: Your child is an absolute brat. I’ve never seen a child so rude in my entire life. Her tantrum over not getting a purple lollipop in her treat bag was neither cute nor something to giggle about. I hear that Paris Hilton is looking for a new side-kick for her tv show, A Simple Life. Alexandria should apply, I feel like she'd do very well, even at her young age.

PSS. To Colin's mother: Your child is a big wuss. He cried 4 times in the hour and half I was there. Geez, even girls at the ripe young age of 4 years old were rolling their eyes at him.

PSSS. To Noah's mother: One word for your son - Kleenex. He's a cute kid, but would be even cuter without the snot. I got tired of wiping his nose.