Goodbye J.

Dear J.,
I’m writing you my official goodbye, and my official closing of your chapter in my life. It’s time I completely moved on - it’s been a long time coming, and a year in the making. I’ve personally come a long way since you left me as an openly raw broken shell of myself on the bathroom floor, unable to collect my tears, my thoughts, or the pieces of my broken heart. You will never, ever know the void, the emptiness, the hole that was left after you shared your decision. And I was, and still am too stubborn to ever let you know just what kind of effect you had. Always being such an independent women, I’ve never had anyone strip me of my spirit like you did, but then again, I had never been as vulnerable to anyone else as I was to you.

I have grown immensely over the year and the initial indescribable pain has thankfully subsided considerably. It’s getting better all the time. That’s a huge blessing because I was unsure at times if it’d ever stop. God knows how much I prayed for it to go away. Those first few months I’d jump for my phone thinking that it’d be you. The more times that it wasn’t, the more I realized it would never be. You haunted me in my dreams for the better part of this past year, but as the pain began to diminish, so did your appearances. It’s been a very long road, and I definitely would never go back to do it all again, I don’t think I could bare it, but I also wouldn’t want to have not experienced it at all. What a whirlwind.

In the 18 months of our relationship, I know our love was not a superficial love. I don’t think I’ll ever understand exactly how or what changed or even why, but I do have comfort and faith that while you weren’t chosen for me, you were part of the master plan for my life. And I take solace in the fact that there are more amazing things awaiting me. I can’t even imagine, and my anticipation is abundant! I realize that this experience has better prepared me for what’s to come. I’m stronger and better for it. I’ve been very careful to not let this create any hardening around my heart because I’d hate to think that you got the best of my love instead of the true person meant for me.

With the knowledge of your impending marriage this summer, I think J.M. says it best in saying that “I wish you strength when times are hard. I wish with all my heart you’ve found just what you’re looking for. I wish you joy. I wish you peace. And that every star you see is within your reach.”

With forgiveness,
Kara

PS. The new Brooks and Dunn song hits the nail on the head: It's Getting Better All the Time

I don't stop breathing every time the phone rings. My heart don't race when someones at my door. I've almost given up thinkin' your ever gonna call. I don't believe in magic anymore. I just don't lie awake at night - Asking God would get you off my mind. It's getting better all the time. It's getting better all the time. Yeah, I think I'm gonna make it - 'Cause God won't make a mountain I can't climb. It's getting better all the time. It's getting better all the time.