For Those of You With Children

I’m about to make a plea to all of you with children from all of us without. Please don’t invite us to your kid’s birthday party. When we receive these invitations, there’s a sense of guilt that we have to go. I mean, it’s a little kid’s birthday for goodness sake. But as much fun as you think it is, it really isn’t. I know it’s fun for you to see your kid jumping around in the larger than life Thomas the Train jumpy thing in the backyard with 15 other kids, and that mingling with the other parents in the neighborhood is a great way to set up carpools and “mommy’s mornings out” but for those of us that get invited and don’t have a kid to bring, it’s practically torture. There’s nothing for us to do. We have no vested interest or enjoyment in watching the kids play because none of them are ours. Speaking from experience, it’s just not a good time. You can always tell which ones of us are the ones that came without the kid because somehow we get stuck wiping noses and breaking up a sandbox fight because the real parents are off comparing Tball schedules, thankful for a little adult conversation away from the kids. We’re not in conversations with the other adults because if we try to engage a fellow parent in a conversation, it usually stales just after the question, “so which one of these kids are yours?” To which the reply is, “none of them, I’m the relative/parent’s friend/etc. of the birthday boy. I don’t have any kids just yet.” It’s like if you don’t have a kid, the parents have forgotten how to discuss anything else other than children or their activities, and that leaves a lot of dead air time and uncomfortable smiling. So please, those of you with children, leave the children’s birthday parties to the other adoring parents with kids. I don't mean to sound cynical, because I'm sure one day I'll totally enjoy it, but in the meantime, cut the rest of us loose. If your kid needs a gift from me, I’ll be happy to mail it and forego the Hi-C juice box and “treat bag” handed out when I leave. Somehow I don’t think my boss would appreciate a Spiderman sticker stuck on a presentation that I think I did a good job on. However, I will admit that the individual packet of Oreos were tasty.

PS. To Alexandria’s mother: Your child is an absolute brat. I’ve never seen a child so rude in my entire life. Her tantrum over not getting a purple lollipop in her treat bag was neither cute nor something to giggle about. I hear that Paris Hilton is looking for a new side-kick for her tv show, A Simple Life. Alexandria should apply, I feel like she'd do very well, even at her young age.

PSS. To Colin's mother: Your child is a big wuss. He cried 4 times in the hour and half I was there. Geez, even girls at the ripe young age of 4 years old were rolling their eyes at him.

PSSS. To Noah's mother: One word for your son - Kleenex. He's a cute kid, but would be even cuter without the snot. I got tired of wiping his nose.