Lawn Position is Filled

Ok, so I heard back from the lawn guy I called last week and he’s coming to mow my lawn on Wednesday for me. Thank goodness! The grass is almost as tall as I am and I was about to hire a topographer to sketch out a map from my driveway to the front door so I could find it. I have a lawn mower in the backyard, I just don’t know how to turn it on. I’ve never mowed a lawn in my life, but I was getting desperate enough to think about attempting it myself. So I’m excited to have found someone else to do it for me for at a really decent price. If you had previously applied or were thinking of applying to be the lucky one to mow the lawn, please don’t be disappointed that I’ve filled the position. Not to worry. I still have openings and am still accepting applications for several amazing positions. For the adventurous types, the Spider/Weird-Looking Bug Killer and Sunday Night Trash Taker-Outer positions are still available (which is odd because I was sure they’d be two of the first to get filled – they are just so exciting). Brand new postings include the part-time position of Helpful 32” TV Purchase Advisor, along with full-time positions of Car Washer, DVD Player Worker, and Boyfriend. The last position listed is more of an executive position and will require a bit more information, along with a preliminary interview with my dog (hey, if the dog doesn’t like you, chances are I won’t either). I think the titles are pretty self-explanatory, but if you would like a job description I’ll be happy to forward one on. Please send in your applications to my personal assistants, Com Ment and/or E. Mail, along with a cover letter stating why you would be the best candidate for the job and any relevant experience. Due to the sheer volume of applicants (HA!), I may not be able to personally respond to your application should it not meet the necessary requirements, you have an extra body part of any kind (including but not limited to toes, nipples, etc), you are missing a body part that may show up in someone's food, or you wear wife-beaters.