I got a call on Saturday from my younger sister while in my car on my way out of town. She broke the news that she’s officially engaged with ring and all. She informed us earlier this spring that this was a possibility, but assured my parents that he’d talk to them before if was going to happen. Well, it’s completely official now. Wow. This news created high drama amongst my family. We’ve only met this guy once, and I don’t even know his last name. He also didn’t bother to ask my dad before he proposed, which I feel shows a sincere lack of respect. Their relationship has been far from blessed by my parents. At this point, my mother’s less than excited about the news, for a number of reasons I won’t go into, and my dad’s trying to be a trooper. He’s recognized that it’s happened, and although it may not be how he’d prefer or who he’d prefer, he’s being supportive of his daughter and putting faith in her ability as a 23-year-old adult to make the right decisions for her life. I, too, was upset at the news, for several reasons:
- I was upset because I don’t know him. Not that I have to marry him, but really, in my opinion marriage is supposed to be a union between two families, so technically he’s to be my “brother” and I’ve spent all of 8 hours with him? I don't even know his last name! Being the older sister and feeling a sense of responsibility for her, I want to know that he’s a good man – that he will treat her well - that he will be able to provide for her and support her. I don’t know that any of this is true.
- I was upset because she’s upset that the family’s not overly excited about this. This is supposed to be her joyous news, and yet the reactions are really not all that favorable. This is not the way I’d ever imagined this major life event to go down for her, and by her own admission, it’s not the way she’d have preferred either. This should be perfect for her. It should be a time to celebrate, and instead it’s been a time for tension. The tears should be of joy and happiness, and instead they’re tears of hurt feelings and disappointment on both sides. I can’t begin to describe my sadness at the whole situation.
- I was upset because he didn’t have the courtesy to talk to my father. She made excuses for him saying that he knew how my parents felt, so he decided to by-pass them altogether. I told her that that was all the more reason he should have talked to them about it, to make sure that he started off on a good foundation, or at least gained a little respect from them. Her family’s very important to her, and if he loves her, in my opinion, her family should be important to him, too. Apparently it’s not, and that bothers me.
- I’m upset because I feel like when it’s the right person, things will just work naturally. Maybe I’m too much of a romantic, but I don’t think that something like this should be a struggle, or should create such angst for a family. The fact that this has caused so much heartache concerns me that this may not be the right person for her.
In the end, fighting through my tears, I told her how I felt about everything I listed above, but made sure to congratulate her and made sure she didn’t feel so alienated. As disappointed as I am at how this all happened, I do, after all, love her very much, and I want her to be happy. She deserves to be happy. We all do.
So yesterday I'm over at my parents' house and my grandaddy calls. I answer the phone and he starts talking about the engagement. Do you know what he says to me? He says, "well, Kara, now that you see how your little sister's done it (get engaged), maybe you can go out and do it, too." Yes, grandaddy, as if it's just that simple.
10 comments:
Well I for one think it was great that even though you told your sister how you felt about it, which is your responsibilty, you did congratulate her.
We were actually talking the other day and my wife asked me if I would be upset if one of my daughters came in and said they were getting married and the guy had not asked me first. I told her that I was not the one that was going to marry him, so I thought it would be better if he asked her first. I would hate for him to ask me and I say oh yeah sure, and my daughter go Hell no are you kidding? But I definately understand what you are saying. Sounds like I need to re-think my stance. Very good points Kara.
Grandpa doesn't know that it's difficult for a woman with such charm and beauty. Men assume that she's taken...
Dude, that sucks about him not having enough respect to ask your father.
Even up north we know better than that, and really, your father is putting on the good face in front of you and her, but I wouldn't be surprised if he's privately very steamed by the whole thing.
I know I would be, that's for sure, and I certainly can't imagine how your sister didn't force his hand some on that...but hey, hopefully she'll be happy...
I have thoughts on this topic. Rather than take up too much space on your blog, I decided to create a post about it on my blog.
I referenced a blog I read, but not this one specifically. My thoughts are rather opinionated and may be taken offensively. Please know that my thoughts are universal, though, and are not meant to be specific to your situation...though I do comment on statements made in your blog that I am certain others are like-minded about.
Mad Hoosier -
“but I can only assume from the picture that was painted that, this guy is good to the sister, he has no intentions of pulling her away from her family, and he loves her.
Short of being a Kennedy, I am not sure what else someone would want from a brother-in-law.” How in the world you came to this conclusion from the post that I wrote is beyond me. I intentionally left many details out about this guy and didn’t paint any kind of picture except that he lacked respect for my father. And in fact, perhaps the only good thing about him is that he ISN'T a Kennedy.
Oh how easy it must be to post on a subject you don't have all the details on, jump to conclusions/assumptions, and appear to make excuses for apparent shortcomings you feel for your family background and/or lack of proper etiquitte/cowardly behavior. I'm sure others that come from broken homes will take exception to the inference that that can be used as an excuse for a lack of courtesy.
If you're going to write a post in reponse to a someone else's personal situation, might I suggest that you stick to commenting on situations that you know more about. Otherwise, you sound like a fool.
Marriage is between a wife and her husband. Love joins two people not two families. Hopefully you'll get to like him, Kara.
Both of my cousins married men that the family didn't know from Adam, and my grandparents and their mother reacted similar to how your family is. My dad (their uncle) was the only one who said to follow their heart. Now it's almost 20 years later, they are both still married with beautiful kids and are happier than most married couples I know.
I know it's really tough, and I'm sure that I would feel the same way you do, but trust that your sister knows what she's doing. Have fun helping her plan the wedding because it really is fun!
Yep...I deleted my comment...decided that jumping into the name calling game was "improper etiquette".
I wish your sister all the luck in the world and hope that you and your family can cope with their marriage rather than get in the middle of it and dooming it from the start. Every couple deserves the right to make it on their own.
my cousin just got engaged to someone the family is not wild about. (ok, she's never had a boyfriend anyone has really liked.) very difficult. he doesn't know our ways, doesn't fit.
but he didn't grow up in our family, so of course he doesn't know. not yet.
in the mean time, i think it's prob. best to keep complaints and objections to ourselves, and just say encouraging things. give him some credit in being willing to marry (so many people run away from marriage these days). and remember, while it IS about two families joining, the point of connection on the whole is the two people getting married. it's their flaws that have to fit, and the best thing we can do is help them succeed.
ok. bless you!
Post a Comment