Ok, so it's been a very, very trying weekend. There are many stories to tell from the weekend, which I'll go into in a different posting, but the major one from the weekend is the news that my younger sister will soon be engaged. Now, this news came from left field for me. And after some hurt feelings, angry exchanges, and tearful conversations, it appears that she's been dating this guy, Mike, for some time now, and it's gotten to the serious stage. He'll be coming home with her for Easter to meet all of us, and plans to ask my parents' blessing for her hand in marriage. Shocked. I didn't even know they had been dating all that long, but apparently they have. And I just learned his last name today. Whoa. It's hard for me to be happy for her at this point because I don't even know this guy. I guess I'm supposed to be happy if she is, but I'm not there just yet. I can't get to that point for a few different reasons including not knowing who this guy is, being protective of her as an older sister, and if I'm going to be completely honest, then yes, some feelings of selfishness that she'll be getting married before me. She lives in Birmingham, AL, so I don't know the ins and outs of her life. I did know she was seeing this guy, but she's the type that has many "the ones" in her past, so I never take any of her boyfriends seriously. But, she informed us this weekend, that we should take this one as real, because she'll marry him whether or not we like him. And that they've already talked about it, that he won't ask her until he asks us, but that it's pretty much a done deal, regardless. So here I am. Before I am going to be happy, I'll throw a pity party for myself online, because I wouldn't dare do it to rain on her parade. After all, I do love her and do want her to be happy. It's just I never thought in a million years it'd be in this order. You know, older siblings get married and have a kid, then younger siblings get married. It's order. It's sequence. It's... not reality, apparently. Finally feeling able to forge on after getting over my past, and now I've been hit with this news. The news that's hard for me to hear because of the other thoughts that are screaming at me in my mind. The thoughts that I'll now be the only grandchild on my dad's side to not be married, yet one of the oldest. The thoughts that I'll now be one of 2 grandchildren on my mom's side not to be married, yet THE oldest. And the pitiful looks and stares that family members will give in my direction once they hear and celebrate this news of my sister, then realize my singleness. The girl that got skipped. The pats on the arm with a seemingly consoling statement of, "don't worry, Kara, there's one for you too" or "hang in there, yours will come." My mom and grandfather have already done both this weekend. And it just turns my stomach. As if my being single isn't already amplified 100 times with the news of my sister, I don't need others to point it out to me. Or to feel sorry for me. I can do that on my own as I'm doing now. But, I'd rather to feel sorry for myself in private than to have others feel sorry for me in public. So, after years of watching my other older cousins marry, fully expecting my turn shortly, I've just been passed over. And all just days before my 28th birthday. As if being single and getting closer to 30 isn't pressure enough.
I know some may think after reading this that I'm bitter, or super selfish to have these thoughts in the midst of my sister's happiness. And yes, I'm embarrassed that my initial reaction is this. Of course I want my reaction to be of shear joy. Of course I do because I love her so much. But this reaction of mine is raw and it's real, and if it's bitter and selfish, then I sincerly apologize to those that read this and are offended. But it's where I am at this point and time. And I'm expressing it here, rather than in life in order to shelter my inward disappointment for myself from her excitement over the impending future.
After getting the chance to warm up to this news, I'll probably come back and edit this posting because I'm not proud of it. But I needed an outlet for my initial thoughts because they were boiling over inside of my head.
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